


Harry Potter and the Pony Plague

by UnstableUniverses



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, My Little Pony, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, F/M, Funny, Ghosts, Harry is a pony, Haunted Houses, Haunting, J.K Rowling needs to stop, J.K. Rowling Tweets too much, Mentions of Sex, Moral Dilemmas, Oblivious Harry, Sexuality, Shrieking Shack, Sickness, Swearing, multi level marketing schemes, pyramid schemes, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-24
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-29 01:22:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18216296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnstableUniverses/pseuds/UnstableUniverses
Summary: A trip to the shrieking shack uncovers multiple dead bodies. But the hooved ghosts remain to help lead Draco, Harry and Hermione to the person responsible. It's only when Harry himself falls down with the strange illness that the team must rush against the clock to reverse the damage and stop the pony plague.





	Harry Potter and the Pony Plague

“You’re late, you filthy mudblood!” Draco snarled through gritted teeth.

Hermione punched Draco right in the nose, “Shut the fuck up, you’re ruining the mood already. I was trying to get rid of Harry, but he kept insisting on tagging along”

Harry stood quietly behind Hermione watching everything unfold but understanding none of it. He rubbed his front hooves together nervously.

“We aren’t supposed to leave the dorms after curfew, guys,” he neighed.

 “Well I can’t fuck your best friend in front of all the other Griffindors, now can I, Potter?” Draco whispered right in Harry’s ear. His breath was warm and comforting to Harry.

 “Let’s go boys,” Hermione cooed from the entrance way, “I don’t want McGonagall to catch us.” She turned and disappeared into the Whomping WIllows whomping hole. The two boys rushed to keep up.

 Harry had four legs, so he got there first, which really pissed off Draco. No one wants to be at the back end of a pony. Harry’s lightning bolt cutie mark gleaned in the moonlight as he crawled into the hole.

 The Shrieking Shack looked quiet and abandoned as always. Like a dark pillar set against the bright full moon.

 Once Draco finally caught up, he already had his pants around his ankles. “Ready to take a ride on this broomstick, mudblood?”

 Hermione scoffed as she walked past Draco and pushed open the old dilapidated door to the Shrieking Shack. “As if I’d be enough of a fool to-” She stopped suddenly, her eyes widening in horror.

 

Bodies. Everywhere.

 

“What’s hip-happenin’ guys?” Harry said, his eyes followed Hermione’s gaze, but he made no realizations. ”Ooooh, a slumber party?”

 “You idiot, THEY’RE DEAD!” Hermione shrieked, really living up to the name of the shack honestly.

 Draco stepped forward, stumbling slightly. “Oh, they’re just ponies. Who gives a flying Merlin’s beard about ponies?” He leaned down to feel one of the ponies, “They’re still warm too, this is the perfect spot for you to suck me off.”

 Hermione opened her mouth to retort when a silky, white-grey substance appeared before her.

 “Who’s patronus is that?” Harry guffawed.

 “That’s a fuckin’ ghost, Potter,” Draco spat angrily. “They’re in the Great Hall like every time we eat.”

 “But we aren’t really dead,” a shrill cutesy voice spoke up, “Our cutie marks just fell off.”

 “But that contains your soul,” Harry said, feeling intelligent for the first time in his entire life.

Hermione gasped and it wasn’t from Draco’s fingers in her skirt. “Harry! Your cutie mark is peeling off”

 Harry wheeled around to stare at his own ass (something he’s gotten very good at, he likes the shape of his rump). To his horror, it was true. The lightning bolt had begun to peel away at its edges like a shitty old sticker.

 “Well, I’ll be fucked, Potter. Can’t wait for you to shuffle off this mortal coil so I can finally get this dick wet,” Draco muttered pointing to his hardened erection. Rarity raised her eyebrows, impressed with his length and hardness despite the cold of the uninsulated shack.

 “Help us, Harry” Pinkie Pie pleaded, “I miss my body, it’s a total bummer being a ghost.”

 “You got it, guys.” Harry said, determined despite his peeling cutie mark. “I bet my boi Hagrid knows what’s up with this shiz.”

 “He is the Care of Magical Creatures professor after all,” Hermione agreed.

 “Climb on, my dudes,” Harry invited, gesturing to his equine back, already prepared with a two-person saddle for some reason.

 “Okay, but I’m not putting my pants back on” Draco begrudgingly straddled his nemesis.

 Like a lightning bolt Harry dashed out of the cold darkness of the shack and towards the warm light coming from Hagrid’s house.

* * *

It took awhile for Hagrid to answer the door. But when he finally did both Hermione and Harry were filled with a sense of peace and comfort. Draco on the other hand was very uncomfortable and still hard as a rock.

 “Oi ‘Arry, what’re you three doin’ ‘ere this late in th’ evenin’?” Hagrid mouth vomited.

 “The ponies are in danger Hagrid, we don’t have much time. Even Harry has been affected.” Hermione said gesturing to her poor peeling equine friend.

 “Why is ‘ur cock out?” Hagrid asked,

 “Don’t look at my fuckin’ dick, you old pervert, or my father will hear about this!” Draco screeched like a banshee.

 “Alrigh’, back ta business then. ‘Arry, come inside and we’ll fix ya righ’ up.” Hagrid moved to let the three students enter his sketchy abode.

 Hermione breathed a sigh of relief as she entered and saw Rainbow Dash stretched on a cot near the fireplace. Her ass slathered in what looked like a medicinal cream. Other magical herbs and vials lay scattered around the small interior of the hut.

 “I’ve been treatin’ this here pony for the same ailment you’ve gone and come down wit’. Nothin’ a li’l poultice can’t fix though.” Hagrid reassured, adding another layer of goop to Rainbow Dash’s haunch.

 “So you can help me?” Harry asked again.

 “Ya can help yourself, ‘Arry! All’s ya got ta do is join me in this business venture. All the oils and ‘erbs you need to heal for just a small monthly fee!” Hagrid began his sales pitch.

 Harry cut him off, having hear enough from the half-giant. “I’ll take the lot!”

 “Well, I’ll be damned! Easiest partner I’ve ever recruited. Now you can go and recruit your own team!” Hagrid cheered, excited to finally move some product.

 Harry took all he could gather in his hooves and began pouring it into a nearby cauldron, mixing it into a pasty glop. He spread a thick layer on his shapely buns, right where his cutie mark was barely holding on. Harry’s ass smelled like a great salad dressing.

 “Y’all feel better in no time,” Hagrid promised. “These herbs and oils can even keep Pony-Know-Who out of your dreams.”

 Harry believed him like a dolt.

 A sudden crash put an end to this multi-level marketing pitch. Harry whirled around to find Draco lying on the floor, his erection like a flagpole, purple and swollen.

 “My word,” Hermione gasped again, “He’s been rock hard this whole time? He must have taken a wizard viagra and it’s killing him! We must take him to Madame Pomfrey, she’ll know what to do!”

 “No! No! Don’t go to that two-bit hack! She’s a shill for Big Wizard Medicine! Use some of these oils, you just got ta buy ‘em first!” Hagrid begged.

 “Fat chance, I was raised to respect medicine. My parents are dentists,” Hermione boasted.

 “A bunch of brainwashed muggle sheeple, bet you get all your information from books and published studies,” Hagrid goaded.

 “You bet your tight ass I do, I am a scholar. You didn’t even graduate from Hogwarts,” Hermione scoffed, pulling Draco onto Harry’s back by the erection.

 Hermione slapped Harry’s rear end (not the cutie mark side tho), “Giddy up, Harry!” she commanded. And like that, the three students left a furious Hagrid in his hut.

* * *

“Madame Pomfrey, Doctor Fauna! Help! HELP!” Hermione’s pleas rang through the infirmary.

 Woken from their slumber, the two doctors stumbled out of their quarters to meet the students.

 “What is it, dearies?” Doctor Fauna asked, wiping sleep from her eyes.

 “I think it’s the monster boner on that Slytherin boy,” Madame Pomfrey exclaimed. “I haven’t seen a cock that big since Dumbledore came to me with wizard syphilis.”

 Harry deposited the blue-balled boy onto the nearest cot. As he turned back to the nurses, Doctor Fauna screamed.

 “What’s happening to your cutie mark?!” She exclaimed.

 “Oh, that’s nothing. Hagrid helped me out with some sweet oils and herbs. I think it’s really doing the trick,” Harry said, believing every stupid word.

 “My dear! That’s ponio!” Doctor Fauna cried, “That’s been eradicated in Magical Europe for over one hundred years!”

 “Well it’s back.” Harry said stupidly. “All the ponies have it, there’s a whole pile of dead ones in the Shrieking Shack.”

 Doctor Fauna balked at that statement. She couldn’t believe it. “Haven’t you had your vaccines?”

 “Oh hell no. Hagrid said you’re partnered with Big Wizard Medicine and that you’d make me stupid with your poison needles!” Harry backed away, prepared to run for his life. His saucy ass rubbed against Draco’s cot peeling away what was left of his cutie mark. Immediately, he felt his soul detach from his corporeal body. He was floating up towards the ceiling.

 “Dang dude” Draco said groggily, “Finally I can get some action.”

 Madame Pomfrey sighed, as she saw the penis that she had just deflated grow erect once more. Draco’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fell unconscious once again.

 “Harry, be smart. Listen to the doctor! Take the vaccine!” Hermione sobbed.

 Doctor Fauna stepped forward, vaccine in hoof. She gently injected the life-saving liquid into Harry’s vein. Immediately, his ghost was sucked back into his body.

 “You saved me!” Harry smiled.

 “And I’ll save everyone, but first we have to put that no good half-giant anti-vaxxer in Azkaban where he belongs,” Doctor Fauna giggled.

 Harry ran to the window to see Dementors descended upon Hagrid’s hut, putting him in shackles and trashing his essential oil collection.

 “Those were going ta make me a millionaire, I mean, save a bunch o’ lives,” bellowed Hagrid.

 “And now, for the real medicine. VACCINIUM PONIUM!” Doctor Fauna cried, and with a swish and flick, magic spewed from the tip of her wand.

 The spell spread across the entire Hogwarts grounds, targeting the pony students and entering their cutie marks. From Hagrid’s hut, out stepped Rainbow Dash looking happy and healthy, though maybe a bit tired from today’s traumatic events.

 The Shrieking Shack exploded with ponies flying every which way, hooting and hollering in joy for their regained life.

 “Wow, real medicine makes all the difference,” Harry said in wonder.

 “He’s distracted, let’s go screw in Madame Pomfrey’s room,” Draco whispered. Hermione nodded. And screw they did.

 

The end.


End file.
